Over the last few months, a lot has happened in my life; I lost a brother abruptly, was amidst the hurricane that is planning a wedding and getting married to my best friend. Lost work, gained work, travelled and met some amazing people, launched some projects including this very website, gained new family, got to witness the true measure of great friendship and reconnected with an old friend.
A lot happened- all the while, needing to be the best possible mother to my daughter- who seems to be growing at the speed of light (another conversation for another time) and within all of this, having to show up as a functioning human being.
Through all of it, I noticed, rather alarmingly, that I had lost one important thing. I was losing myself. For the first time in years, I was unsure- about a whole lot of things- some friendships, motherhood, being the best partner, finances, but most of all, I was unsure of my career path. For the first time in a long while, I felt like I was losing control of who I am, who I’ve always been- the go getter, the doer, the “make anything happen” girl- Tshepo Ntshole. I mean, even the idea of having to change my last name was slightly mind blowing to me. I was uninspired.
I was unsettled and I felt horribly removed and lost from myself.
The sense of feeling like you are busy – with NOTHING- is very real. The sense of loss and feeling uninspired. That was all me.
Until I decided- rather consciously- to relinquish control. The constant need to want to know how it would all turnout was sinking me deeper into the abyss and the tighter I held on, the more elusive the grip. Coming up with concepts, actively hunting for work, agreeing to do stuff to keep myself busy when in reality all I wanted to do was assume the foetal position and stay in bed all day, churning out proposals- all of it rendered me even more uninspired. So, I DECIDED TO STOP. BREATHE. PRAY & WRITE and sometimes just let the day go- with no guilt.
Through this, I have found my way back to God and myself. I am finding, day by day, my way back home. There are times when we are confident and sure of who we are. Our purpose, our path and goals. When it all fits and falls into place as we envision it, and then, there are moments in our lives that we look back and realize that we have strayed so far from the path- from home, from ourselves, that the road back seems treacherous and unforgiving.
Listen…do not fear! The journey back is always revealing. It is the healing you never knew you needed. If only we allow ourselves to stop and shut out the noise. If only we ask ourselves the deepest most intimate questions and dare to answer them honestly. The path back home will include a lot of shedding- people, behaviours, places and sometimes spaces…the things that weighed your spirit down and made your journey incrementally heavier to bare. What is left is meant to stay and further build the human you are meant to be.
So, here’s to you. To you consciously deciding to STOP. To breathe. Here’s to you deciding to come home. Where your heart, soul and happiness reside.